Boundaries for “Besties”
“Hey, Miss Becca!” What happens when 2 friends have 2 very different perspectives about what their relationship means and where it’s going…especially when 1 is neurodivergent? With Danielle Llado, CCC-SLP
“Hey, Miss Becca!”
From: Mom of middle school girl
I have a question: “My daughter has a friend (we will call her Betty) who is very possessive and it is causing challenges. My daughter (we will call her Kate) feels like she is trapped by Betty who is always announcing they are best friends and not accepting when Kate says she has plans with someone else. I always teach my children to be inclusive and I understand Kate's need for some space too. The tricky part is our families are very close friends and my husband and I are best friends with Betty's parents. Our friends have been struggling Betty as she has different needs. I don't want my Kate to be unkind but I want to help her also have her needs met while still preserving our friendship between the families. Do you have any advice?”
Consultant: Miss Danielle, our social cognition guru
Miss Becca says:
*Any advice provided herein is general and not intended to be a replacement for clinical services. Please consult your clinician directly for more information or more specific recommendations.
Miss Danielle and I agree, it sounds like Betty and Kate might just see their friendship a little differently right now. This is a difference in perspective. That’s really common for teens, especially when they’re still figuring out what different levels of friendship mean to them. We think it is so important to start by helping Kate feel empowered to decide what feels right for her. We can remind her that it’s okay to be “friendly” with someone without being “best friends.” We can also remind her that maintaining her personal boundaries is smart, safe, and helpful. You can help Kate understand what her own personal boundaries are using some sentence starters or specific questions, such as, “I feel uncomfortable when Betty ________,” or “When I ___________, I would prefer Betty ___________”.
Betty will likely benefit from having clearer boundaries articulated by Kate in order to better understand her perspective and change her behavior. Remind Kate to be honest, upfront, and firm in her boundaries. It is helpful to focus on “I” statements when delivering a boundary in order to avoid it being perceived as rejection or blame. For example, “I feel comfortable playing card games with you when our families are together, but I am not comfortable spending time with only you.” or “I enjoy having many friends and it makes me uncomfortable to spend too much time with only one friend.” This is much easier to hear, to respect, and to adapt to than if Betty hears, “You are too clingy",” “I don’t want to be your friend,” or “You’re wrong, we are NOT best friends.” It will be very important for Betty and Kate to still respect each other after this conversation, as their families will continue to spend time together. This approach helps the girls to remain “friendly” even if they come to the understanding that they are not “best friends” or even “friends.”
In order to support Kate in her thinking about her own boundaries and her difference in perspective from Betty, you can use a visual like “Mt. Relationship”. Mt. Relationship provides a visual demonstration of how relationships can progress at different rates and in different directions, using the metaphor of a mountain path. 2 potential friends can move from the “parking lot” (where you just happen to be co-existing) through different paths to different destinations. Maybe Kate is more comfortable keeping this relationship at the “acquaintance” level, or maybe even “friend level,” while Betty maybe thinks their relationship has already progressed up the mountain to the “best friend zone”. Thank you to Miss Danielle for the Mt. Relationship visual. If you click to download it, you will also get the description of how to use it. There are plenty more where that came from. Stay tuned for more advice from Miss Becca and The Lark Center team. If you have more questions about this topic or would like to request a consult, please email contact@thelarkcenter.com.
Submit your questions at www.thelarkcenter.com/ask-miss-becca
