When School Hurts: How Compliance Culture is Dysregulating Our Kids
This may be an unpopular opinion—but school, as it exists right now, is damaging our children’s nervous systems.
Over the past few months, we’ve seen a surge in referrals for children struggling with attention, sensory regulation, and emotional control. While every child’s story is unique, there’s a clear pattern emerging: our neurodivergent children are completely burnt out from the school day. Beneath the behaviors we see (meltdowns, withdrawal, aggression, refusal) is a nervous system stuck in survival mode.
When a child feels unsafe, unheard, or unvalued, their brain does what it’s designed to do: protect. A child who feels controlled, shamed, or ignored cannot learn effectively because they are operating from their fight, flight, or freeze response. In this state, access to higher-order thinking, memory, and creativity—the very things school is meant to nurture—is physiologically blocked.
Too often, schools try to manage behavior instead of understanding it. Tools like clip charts, pom-pom jars, and point systems might look like “positive reinforcement,” but they often do more harm than good. They fuel competition and anxiety, teaching kids that approval—not authenticity—is the goal. Children who can “win” the game may become anxious perfectionists; those who can’t may give up trying altogether.
This is not necessarily the fault of any individual teacher. Teachers are working under enormous pressure—too many students, too little support, unrealistic expectations, and systemic demands for compliance over connection. Many know these systems don’t feel right, but they’re constrained by policy and survival. They may not have the education or bandwidth to do better even if they want to.
The truth is, we can’t force, coerce, or bribe a child to regulate. We can only help them to regulate — through relationship, respect, and understanding (co-regulation). And we cannot be good co-regulators when we ourselves (the grown-ups) are in fight-or-flight. Leading with connection instead of compliance isn’t soft or permissive—it’s neuroscience. It’s how we grow resilient, confident, curious learners.
Systemic change has to start at the top: with administrators, policymakers, and education leaders who understand that nervous system safety is the foundation of learning. But while we continue to push for that change, families can still advocate for more connection-based approaches in their children’s classrooms right now.
Ask your children’s school to do away with positive behavior supports in the classroom, especially any that are visible to the whole class like clip charts or earning/losing based on behavior. Ask schools to meet your child with flexibility — flexible seating, flexible timing, flexible location — and to keep consistent and predictable boundaries. Ask schools to trust your child to know their own bodies and to take their lead. If they need space, provide space, if they need a snack, provide a snack. Encourage academic risk-taking and empathy by treating “wrong answers” with the same respect as “correct” ones, and mistakes as learning opportunities.
Parents, know that if your child is coming home exhausted, angry, overwhelmed, or dysregulated—you’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone. By this time in the afternoon, your child has likely reached their limit with suppressing their own needs to satisfy a grown-up’s request, and enduring discomfort for the sake of not “letting the whole class down.” Trust us, your child is not broken. Their nervous system is doing its best to keep your child safe in a very stressful world.
Check out this free resource from our friends over at Inclusive Schooling for additional ideas of what to do INSTEAD of clip charts and behavior modification strategies.
At The Lark Center, we’re here to support the children in their goals to feel safe, supported, and included. But we are also here for the parents, caregivers, and teachers. Please let us know how we can help you to better support the nervous system safety of the children in your care. If you have specific questions about how this might apply to your child or your school, feel free to drop a questions for Miss Becca in our “Hey, Miss Becca!” drop box. www.thelarkcenter.com/ask-miss-becca
