“Hey, Miss Becca”: How Do I Support My Autistic Teen’s Independence When He Graduates High School?
In this episode, titled “Safety, Connection, and the Path to Independence,” the whole SkyLARK Young Adult Program team discusses the ins and outs of supporting young adults in independent living, higher education, and other self-directed life goals. Learn what underlying skills and aptitudes are often overlooked…
What does “Independence” mean when we are talking about our neurodivergent children?
Remember that living away from parents, having a job, or being in a romantic relationship (for example) does not mean you have to do it without support. There are plenty of strategies that we all use daily to help support our independence: calendar reminders, Door Dash, Uber, etc. We call on our friends, our neighbors, our community members when we need support. And we can help to identify those same supports for our young adult children.
Independent does not equal doing it alone.
We know it takes a village to raise a child. That village does not have to disappear when your child turns 18. Community and social connections are key players in your child’s indepednence journey. Remember that it does not - and should not - have to only be you.
There are some frequently overlooked indicators of success during this transition phase.
Perhaps the more important things to consider for your young adult are autonomy, self-efficacy, and self-esteem. Can your child make a choice for themself? Do they feel comfortable to try something new? Can they tolerate the level of discomfort that is required to learn a new skill? Do they believe that they matter, their thoughts and opinions matter, that their experiences are valid, and that they have a voice? These are better predictors of success when taking that next step towards independence than whether or not you have learned how to do laundry (for example.)
The tricky part…
One of the most frustrating parts of this journey for many people is that when you realize you need to build those skills (often in the teen or young adult years) it may feel too late. Imagine turning 18 and getting to make a decision for yourself for the first time. Or being suddenly expected to understand personal boundaries when you haven’t had the opportunity to experience the natural consequences of crossing boundaries with friends or acquaintances. Many young adults who try living on their own or going to college, or working their first real job find that the most disabling aspect of the experience is their lack of perceived autonomy, efficacy, or worth. This will almost certainly cause setbacks.
When should we start preparing our children for independence?
There are things we can do to start preparing our disabled or neurodivergent children for independence at each stage of their development. These are often overlooked when we become so focused on academics and “life skills.” Here are some of the most impactful:
Validate feelings - even if you think they are ridiculous or uncalled for. Often, when we try to teach our young children about feelings and self-regulation, we get stuck in the trap of labeling certain feelings as inherently “good” or “bad.” For example, in the Zones of Regulation the “Red” zone is often treated as the “bad” zone and that is a place we are not allowed to go. The red zone contains outrage, anger, aggression, screaming, and other feelings/behaviors that are considered “inconvenient” in a school or out in public. It is so important to remain neutral in teaching about emotions and feelings - letting your child know that there are times and situations that call for each zone. And if your child is in danger, you better hope they go to the red zone so that they can properly defend themselves. Sadness has a time and place, excitement has a time and place. We want our children to TRUST their body signals. If something feels unsafe to them (even if you cannot perceive what they perceive), honor their feeling and help them choose a helpful behavior for that situation. This will lead to an adult who can perceive danger and act in a way that is self-protective. It will also lead to an adult who is not embarrassed or ashamed to express their fear, sadness, excitement, and joy.
Allow some struggle- so many well meaning parents will jump in at the earliest sign of their child’s emotional discomfort to quickly alleviate it. When your child is an infant, this is a great instinct. But as our children become toddlers and early school-aged, it is so important to let them spend some time in discomfort (I’m not talking about physical pain). When trying something new or hard, your child might get it wrong, mess something up, or forget something. This may (often does for our neurodivergent kids) lead to deep feelings of embarrassment, shame, or frustration. If you run to their rescue and remove them from the uncomfortable situation, you have also removed the opportunity for learning and growth. Rescuing our children sends a subconscious message that we don’t trust them; don’t believe in them. While it can be excruciatingly hard to “do nothing” while a child squirms with discomfort from not “getting it.” Let them struggle. This is where the magic happens. Assure your child that you believe in them and that you will be there if they truly need you, and then provide only as much help as is necessary to get them a little farther along. This will build adults who have more resilience, more self-esteem, and who are more likely to take small steps outside of their comfort zone for the purpose of growing their independence.
Value participation over product - it can be so tempting, especially with school culture being the way it is (I have no shortage of thoughts about this topic) to become overly fixated on the final product. For anything. Is your handwriting neat and tidy? Did you color inside the lines? Did you pick out matching socks? Are your words perfectly articulated? Did you eat everything on your plate? It seemingly never ends. These expectations can be unattainable for many of our kids, which leaves them fearful to even try and feeling their worth shrink with every mistake. This is a quick way to sap internal motivations. When we shift our expectations to be around the participation, effort, engagement, etc. we also shift the motivation. If we provide explicit expectations related to participation and provide specific feedback or praise related to effort, we increase the chances that our child will continue to try; and continue to improve. Instead of saying, “wow, your picture looks amazing,” you could say, “wow, I can tell you worked really hard on this.” Or instead of providing praise and offering a dessert for finishing everything on your child’s plate, consider praising their engagement during the meal and offering a small after dinner treat (a mint, a piece of chocolate, etc.) regardless of how much dinner they ate. This will lead to adults who maintain their internal motivation to work and learn and who put forth the effort needed to to their best.
Include them in grown up things - because our kids are listening to and watching us, even when it appears that they are not (vision and hearing impairments aside.) Children love to imitate their parents talking on the phone, getting ready in the morning, driving the car, etc. Even our autistic children that do not directly imitate these behaviors are taking them in. So, instead of keeping children “out of the way” when grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, going to the bank, etc. consider having them “help” in whatever capacity is safe and appropriate for them. The more exposure they have to ordinary “adulting” skills, the more familiar they will be when it is time to do them. As your children start to be able to help with things like washing dishes or folding laundry, it i s vitally important that you accept their attempts. Do not immediately correct or critique their work. Praise the participation, and support ways to improve slowly, over time. It truly is not all that important if there are wrinkles in one pair of pants. It is worth it to have a young adult that isn’t afraid to do laundry because there might be wrinkles. This will lead to adults that understand their various responsibilities and who can complete their daily chores independently, with or without accommodations or modifications.
Provide meaningful options - and honor their choice. In order to have a sense of autonomy (that they can have an impact on the world) it is so important to start practicing young. So many choices are made for children by their parents - and for good reason. As a parent, it is our job to keep our child safe and healthy. But there are areas where we can relinquish some control in order to allow our children to practice their own decision making. This could start with things like which shirt to wear, what to have for breakfast, or what show to watch. Allow them to select from a pre-determined list of approved options. That way, when they make their choice, you can easily honor it. But as they get older, they need to start practicing some harder choices, like who to be friends with, when to do their homework, and how they want to wear their hair. Just as our children need to practice slowly taking on more decision-making ability, parents need to practice slowly relinquishing what we can. And what’s even harder is keeping our opinions of their choice to ourselves (this is a lifelong learning journey for me.) Remember, it is more important in the long run to honor their autonomy than it is for them to have the haircut you picked out for them. This will lead to adults that feel comfortable making decisions and understand the potential consequences of their decisions.
Accept all communication attempts - contrary to the old myth about having to withhold the thing your child wants until they “use their words” to request it “appropriately.” This methodology doesn’t help to increase communication, only to increase frustration. Many autistic and neurodivergent children learn that their needs, wishes, and thoughts don’t matter, because they are so often ignored. But as their parents, we are so good at knowing what they are telling us, even if it is not with their mouth words and even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. It is so important that our children know that we are listening even if they are not talking, that when they try to communicate with us using their bodies or noises or behaviors that may be seen as disruptive, dangerous, or weird. When we respond to our children’s communication attempts, it strengthens their motivation to continue to communicate with us. Allow a total communication approach in your home, where gesture (ASL or other), AAC devices, written, and spoken communication are all valued equally and encourage this outside of the home too. Our children need to know that their voice matters and that someone is listening. This will lead to adults who have self-confidence and self-efficacy and who can effectively advocate for their needs in a variety of settings.
Some of these strategies are easier said than done. But remember, just as your child needs to practice, so do you. Give yourself grace during this process. It won’t be perfect, it might not be pretty, and any tiny step you take towards increasing your child’s autonomy, self-efficacy, self-advocacy, and self-esteem will pay off in droves. It is never too soon to start. It is also not too late.
Please be in touch with any questions about this post or our SkyLARK Young Adult Program by sending an email to contact@thelarkcenter.com
Or, you can ask me a question that I may be able to answer in a future episode of “Hey, Miss Becca.”
